This post is part of the General Conference Odyssey. This week covers the Priesthood Session of the October 2011 Conference.
When I read through these General Conference Sessions there are always talks I love. And there are usually talks I find less compelling. And very rarely there is a talk I actually don't like for some reason—it confuses me, I'm put off by the tone, or whatever. But I don't know if I've ever quite felt like I felt about Elder Eyring's talk in this session. I like it. And I am inspired by it. But it also left me feeling…tired and discouraged. So much so that I wasn't going to write about it at all, not knowing quite HOW to. And of course I know if there is ever a problem with God's word, that problem is on MY end! But for whatever reason I keep coming back to this talk when I sit down to write. So here goes.
President Eyring talks about how priesthood holders (but I always equate that to any God-given responsibility, motherhood being the biggest for me) have been more prepared than they realize for whatever will be asked of them. He says:
Our Heavenly Father has been preparing us since we were taught at His knee in His kingdom before we were born. He is preparing us tonight. And He will continue to prepare us as long as we will let Him.
I like that image—being taught at our Father (and Mother)'s knees. And it's reassuring to think that even when we don't feel prepared or capable, God would never leave us incapable of what He asks of us. He has always known exactly what we need and has given it to us for our good. It's also reassuring to remember that our own inexperience and mistakes in no way negate this heavenly help:
[My priesthood leader] saw beyond the reality of who I was to the possibilities that lie inside someone who feels weak and simple enough to want the Lord’s help and to believe that it will come.…Don’t worry about how inexperienced you are or think you are, but think about what, with the Lord’s help, you can become.
Next, President Eyring gives two examples from his life of when older, more experienced priesthood holders worked longer and harder than their younger brethren. Here is one:
I was…the new commissioner of education for the Church. I knew that President Gordon B. Hinckley was staying somewhere in that same hotel on his separate assignment to Japan. I answered the ringing phone just after I had lain down on the bed to sleep, exhausted by having done all I thought I had the strength to do.President Hinckley asked in his pleasant voice, “Why are you sleeping when I am here reading a manuscript that we have been asked to review?” So I got up and went to work, even though I knew that President Hinckley could give a better review of a manuscript than I could possibly do. But somehow he made me feel that he needed my help.
He tells these stories to show how tireless and selfless these amazing leaders had learned to be, and I do see that! I'm amazed by it. You can tell President Eyring has spent years analyzing the lives and habits of the prophets he was so fortunate to work with, and it has paid off in his becoming just like them! I see this SO much in who he is today. Still going. Still working. His wife gone. But still giving when I would probably have stopped to rest and give up long ago.
Great teachers have shown me how to prepare to keep the oath and covenant when time and age will make it harder. They have shown and taught me how to discipline myself to work harder than I thought I could while I still have health and strength.
But here is the part that left me tired: "work harder than I thought I could." He says it more than once:
Great priesthood trainers have shown me how to build that strength: it is to form a habit of pushing on through the fatigue and fear that might make you think of quitting. The Lord’s great mentors have shown me that spiritual staying power comes from working past the point when others would have taken a rest.…I can’t be a perfect servant every hour, but I can try to give more effort than I thought I could. With that habit formed early on, I will be prepared for trials later.
I guess that just worries me, because if your standard is "always do more than I think I can do," how then do you ever know if you’ve done enough?? You could always give more. And his stories make it sound like the prophets basically never rested. (He also tells a story about President Kimball collapsing [or falling asleep? it is unclear] in a meeting, and having to be carried out in his chair by members of the Twelve, and then weakly chiding them for leaving the meeting and sending them back to work!) I know the Doctrine and Covenants talks about how we should "waste and wear out our lives" in service, and the prophets and the Twelve Apostles literally do this, but I guess I hadn't quite applied it to myself yet and now that I think of it, it scares me!
It's not that I don't want to give my life in God's service. I actually do want that very much, because I want to become like He is. BUT, I think I just hoped it would become easier as I went along; that even though I struggle and feel inadequate now, I would grow enough in experience and wisdom over time that someday I would feel mostly joy and hope and confidence. But no, apparently not:
We are being prepared for priesthood service that will become more challenging with time. For instance, our muscles and our brains age as we do. Our capacity to learn and remember what we have read will diminish. To give the priesthood service the Lord expects of us will take more and more self-discipline every day of our lives.
!!! More and more? That's not reassuring at ALL! It's overwhelming, in fact. What is the point of all that preparation he was talking about earlier if you're just going to keep having challenges you feel unprepared for? What is the point of doing all you can do if you're just going to still feel inadequate because you didn't somehow do more than you could do? How can you ever go to sleep at night feeling satisfied if all you can think is, "Well, President Oaks probably isn't sleeping right now, and I shouldn't be either." It's too much!
Ha, I know that's a bit of an exaggeration. And I know we aren't literally supposed to drive ourselves to the point of collapse (and very few people are in danger of doing that, probably me least of all). I assume there are a lot more of us doing too little who need stirring calls to do more, than there are people doing too much in God's service who need to be reined in. So I don't actually think there is anything wrong with this talk. But it was sobering to me. And daunting. Am I really prepared to give my whole life to God? To keep giving to the very end? I would like to answer yes, but I think realistically, I am very far from that ideal.
I'll end with a slightly more comforting description, though, of what it's all about and who is on our side:
[Doing all God asks is really about] steady preparation over the years, through all our strength in what might appear to be little tasks with small consequences.My prayer is that we may keep our priesthood covenants to qualify ourselves for eternal life and those we are called to train. I promise you if you do all that you can, God will magnify your strength and your wisdom. He will season you.
Ultimately, I guess it comes down to faith: faith that God will help us do whatever we have to do. Faith that we'll keep being prepared and keep being sustained and keep being magnified as long as we have to, until Heavenly Father finally calls us home (…to engage in even more work on the other side…but let's not think too much about that!).
Other posts in this series:
Testimony—by Rozy
